Reformed Grits


“Slow and steady wins the race” or “How did we get here?” part 6
May 9, 2008, 10:03 pm
Filed under: Our Call

Drolling along here, I hope to wrap this up soon as I’d hate to drive you all away and make enemies.  If you are wondering why, it starts here. I’m not really sure how this all fits in to the story, but bear with me and I do a little “stream of consciousness” writing tonight.
This weekend I’ll be leaving early for Jojo’s state cup.  If you are one of the ones who can actually see the updates on Twitter in the sidebar, the I’ll post updates!

There must be some mistake.  I mean, I’m sure God doesn’t make mistakes– maybe it was us.  Or just me.  What have I done?  What have WE done?  I’m no Ruth Bell Graham.  It was a harsh reality that came crashing down when the reality of what was to come fell on me.  I was going to be she-who-was-under-a-microscope.  The lady in a glass house.  Me and my perfectionist tendencies.

Cue screeching halt record music.

Hold on.  Have you been to my house?  Do you remember pictures like these? Not what you’d expect from a perfectionist, huh?  I guess what I really mean is that I am a pride junkie.  When it comes to what people think of me, what I do, who I am, I tend to think that I should be uncriticizable.  Unable to make mistakes.  She who amazes and impresses.  I’ve always been this way.  A long time ago, an a place far, far away, I wrote:

I realized tonight that is what I am. (A pride junkie)  Katie emailed me frustrated bc of
the way people have been telling her she can’t do this or that and
people treat her like “a kid.” … She isnt saying people are giving and revoking permission
“can and can’t” but that she is unable or incapable.

I can so relate!
I started hearing the things she heard at her age but mine were a little different:
“You dont think you can afford to go away to college, do you?”
“You are too young to get married.”
“You wont graduate from college since you got married so young.”
“You cant afford to buy a house right out of college.”
“You shouldnt have kids yet!  You are so young!”
“You should wait to have more kids.”
“You have enough kids!”
ETC, Ad Nauseum….
I need a shirt that says, “A sure way to know what I’ll do next is to tell me what I ‘can’t’ do!”
Why the heck do you suppose that is?
Well,
in response to Katie I realized it is because I am a pride junkie. Some
of my favorite things are to see people’s faces when I tell them:
-how many kids I have
-how big my babies were
-how young I was when I graduated from college… with honors… in 3 1/2 years
-what
I’ve been up to, whether it’s walking on kitchen countertops painting
my kitchen as I’m 6 months pregnant or cooking all the food for a shower
or it’s running to a million soccer games or revamping the school’s
bookkeeping!

I love to shock people with what “I” can do! This
is very upsetting to me. The first thought I have is, well I must
change that! God must get all the glory for what happens in my life!
But in all honesty, I like the attention and I dont want it to change!
What
do I say to that, but to confess it and say, “Lord, I know it’s wrong.
Make me sorry and repentant.” I cant honestly say that Im repentant
now, but I do recognize my foolish pride and I pray that the Lord
changes my heart without having to publicly and painfully force me to
be sorry.
It’s something for sure “I” cant do.

So you see, pride was the root of it all.  I realized that then, and increasingly in the time since then.  In the years since those panicked “first days” of stepping forward, I’ve stubbed my pride more times than  I care to count.  I’ve made mistakes.  I’ve embarrassed myself by sinning in the whole wide open. Oh to publically and painfully.  My faults have been laid bare.  I really, REALLY hate to admit when I’ve done wrong.  Messed up.  Sinned. The things that I like to “shine forth” to impress?  They are a diversion… a diversion so you won’t see my flaws.

It’s been a really painful time, but much more profitable for our future real-life ministry than possibly even those times of great growth.  Our pastor shared the story of how trees used for the masts of ships were found solitarily on hilltops.  They grew plenty tall, and the swaying of the constant wind on both sides with no “wind breaks” made the tree evenly strong enough to withstand the power of the ocean gusts.  In a lot of ways I can relate to that story, not that I’m strong or tall or powerful, but just knowing that the winds that blow now will strengthen me for the tasks ahead help me, if I remember to keep perspective.

And now, we are just 16 classes away from graduation… what’s next?  Who knows…

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5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

A willing heart…that is what I think about when I think of you.

I know you feel like you have so far to go (which is where we all should be) but look how far you have already come!

You have matured greatly in your faith and have “seen” more of yourself through this journey in your life than you cared to see.

Oh be thankful.

Comment by caroline

By the way, I can SEE your twitter thing on the sidebar now.

Very cool.

Comment by caroline

Your blog is super. Your writing is fresh and from the heart and full of wisdom. Wisdom in the way that we get to experience it with you. Please continue to write, even when it feels like you should be doing laundry!! Its your gift.

Comment by Sandy Dobbins

Someone please explain twitter…whatever

Comment by Sandy Dobbins

I agree with Caroline. What most folks don’t realize is that we are ALL that way. One of the most merciful things God can do for His children is to show us that foulness so that we will hopefully stop.

Comment by Gayle




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