Reformed Grits

My humanness abounds
May 12, 2008, 4:37 pm
Filed under: Life

The other day I wrote about my pride and how God ceases to allow me to be humbled again and again.  In the last year of my life, I’ve noticed that I’ve dealt with a great deal of anxiety– something I’ve never dealt with before.  The least little change to my schedule or routine and I feel all types of panic welling up in my soul and I feel miserable.  I feel so much sympathy for those who deal with this routinely in a thousand ways worse than I do.  I’m still learning to deal with anxiety and panic which helps, but pondering why I am experiencing this change made me realize something. 
Picture me juggling all kinds of balls, and you can even picture me as a clown because honestly that’s how I think I look to a lot of people lately.  (Well, clown is nicer than "idiot" which is what I got the other day, but I digress…)  Pretend I have one ball for each of my children and husband, then there’s school, work, household responsibilities, soccer, scouts, staying within the budget, keeping up with medical payments (which has become a big deal for us lately with all the health issues– tonsils, migraines, strep, eye exams, contacts, dentist, etc.  We have the money, it’s just keeping UP with all of it!) Add in the aforementioned health issues, running everyone where they need to go, and then of course we must try to schedule in some fun, if we can.  And I know I said work, but I need to say it twice more, just because it requires so much mental and emotional energy right now.  Work, and work.  I’m juggling, and maybe for a while I’m holding my own– I can do this!  I can!  And then someone says, "Hey you have to start adding a new medicine twice a day for 10 days."  Oh… Ok, well I can, figure out how to adjust to one more ball.  Let’s see… Ok…
Now, I’m juggling another ball and I’m shifting though feeling a little on edge, and someone, say from school says, "We need you to make this adjustment to such and such and do this thing differently.  Now, think of all the possible implications and get back to me."
Um.. Ok, now I have a couple kinks in my stomach and I’m feeling anxious but I’m focusing on juggling this new ball in addition to the old ones and, oh dear, I need to fit in the time to search for those implications… but let me just do this for a minute.  So I juggle and juggle and try to answer the phone with my foot while I’m juggling… and oh dear… I’ve dropped a ball. 
Now I’m a mess because I’ve let someone down– I’ve dropped a ball and they were counting on me and Oh no.  What will people think?  Will they think I’m unreliable?  Will they be scarred for life if it’s my child?  Will the team not have something they need because I didn’t come through? 
And my stomach is in big knots now…

Last night, I spent too much time looking at old photo albums of when I had just 3 and 4 children.  Things seemed SO simple then.  With the 3, I had no one in school and no one in soccer.  When 4 came, I had 1 in school and 1 in non-competitive soccer.  We were so flexible.  They all 4 still napped everyday for Pete’s sake.  What happened?  I blinked, and all of a sudden life got so very hard.  It’s not the number of children that makes life complicated– it’s their bloomin’ activities that complicate things.  What if we just said no to it all– even the good things?  Even this week, the last week of school, each of my six children is to have some type of end of year "thing" for their teachers and coaches, which makes a grand total of 18 people.  It’s just not possible.  I had planned on making mini-loafs of bread with a small thank you card, but when 4 people in my house now have strep (did I forget to mention this??  Juggling this as well.  Remind me to go pick up the antibiotics at CVS, will ya?) do you think anyone really wants me to cook for them?  I’m thinking, no. 

Today the ball that dropped, was Sugie.  I pulled in the driveway at home and thought to myself, "SOMEONE is missing!"  And they were.  I screeched back out and speed-dialed my mom to see if she was still there (no answer.)  Within a minute, I got a phone call from the school, "Hey, Kim, do a quick count in the car and see if anyone is missing."  Cue uproarious laughter, from about 3 in the background as well.  Granted, I can laugh at myself.  No one was hurt.  It was funny.  I’m the dunce with 6 kids she can’t keep up with.  I get it.  I just couldn’t laugh because in my mind’s eye I could see Sugie’s sad, teary face wondering how her mommy could forget her the day after Mother’s Day when she had made her a card and they were holding hands.

But where I am weak, He is strong.  I can not, and will not, beat myself up for being what He has made me.  I will have many "judges" on this earth but I only answer to Him for what I do and as my dear friend Disti reminded me from the David Crowder song "Everything Glorious"… "You make everything glorious, and I am yours, so what does that make me?"  I can only do what I can do, and if someone comes down harsh on me (such as the ungracious soul that referred to me as an "idiot") then I should, and will try to think about them in context of what some "unnamed" favorite person of mine said…

"I’m sure their poop doesn’t stink." 

Have I mentioned I love my husband?