Reformed Grits


The story of John Knox, part 3
July 24, 2008, 8:10 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

This is the next to last installment in the story of our little boy who we lost now 3 years ago on July 28th. 

The day we found out he died but before he was born and we knew his gender, I had the opportunity to write some things about what I was thinking:

July 27

I know how I felt
about this pregnancy.  I was not happy or
thankful or anything.  Ugh, and the guilt there is overwhelming.  It is crushing
me like a… millstone around my neck?  I wonder if in this evil heart of mine
I will ever find myself thankful… or that I might only cry with guilt. What
will it be like when I find myself face to face with this child one day and I
have to admit that I didn’t consider him a blessing but a curse.
I just hate myself.  I hate my selfish, shallow, stupid self. What kind of evil
person doesn’t just fall in crazy love with a baby?  I only had this little one for 17 weeks or so
and I couldn’t even muster up enough love in my hard, cold heart to love it for
just that long.

 
I was suffering big time.  Not only because of something painful God
allowed in my life, but at my own hands. 
God in his mercy allowed me to deliver this baby instead of having a D&C. 
Here is what I mean when I say mercy:

 

July 28, 2005– his birthday

I had times all
through the day
(while I was in labor) where I couldn’t stop crying, then times when I felt very numb.
The worst was one crying jag when I had sent my beloved for food and the nurses were
out. It was very cleansing.  I prayed from my heart more strongly than I think I
possibly ever had…  I poured out my soul and confessed all that
had been within my heart.  And I felt peace.

 
Never had I felt God
so near to me.  Never had I felt so
sad.  Never would I have imagined it
would have taken THIS to bring me “clinging to the rock of help.”

August 4, 2005

from Ps 61
“Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For Thou hast been a refuge
for me,”

Please come back for the final installment of his story!  Thanks for reading!

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I have no words of wisdom to offer as I read this, just tears as I read, and thankfulness that you are so willing to share your grief and so willing to be open about what you were feeling. I’m thankful you felt the nearness of God in your pain.

Comment by penny

I’m reading, sometimes with my hands over my eyes, but I’m reading.

Comment by Lora Lynn




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